“Just say you’re sorry”: The accountability gap in modern relationships

By Puse Mokoena

There’s a growing frustration on social media, especially among men, that many relationships today don’t end because of cheating, distance, or lack of love… but because someone couldn’t simply say “I’m sorry.”

It’s not a new conversation, but it’s louder than ever. Videos, memes, and tweets flood our feeds with men expressing one recurring pain point: “Women struggle with accountability.”

And while this doesn’t apply to all women, or let men off the hook, it’s striking how many men seem to share this sentiment. Even some women have started to reflect on this, too. One such voice is Chwanelo, a TikToker who posted a video that had thousands of men nodding and clapping in the comments section:

“Maturity is realising that our failure to take accountability as ladies is sometimes what leads to the end of what could have been a beautiful union.”

That simple statement sparked something powerful, because when someone finally says out loud what’s been whispered in relationships and friendship circles for years, it hits different.

But… why is accountability such a tricky thing, especially for women?

Let’s talk about it.

A Fear of Looking “Weak”?
In many black communities, especially in townships, there’s an unspoken rule: “Don’t apologise. Don’t admit you were wrong. Don’t give them that power.”
To say “I’m sorry” feels like saying “I’m stupid” or “I’m weak.”

We spoke to Karabelo, a 34-year-old from Tshirela, who said:

“Sometimes it’s pride. Girls in the hood are raised to be strong, independent, fierce. And yes, that’s a good thing but sometimes it becomes emotional armour. Now she can’t say ‘sorry’ even when she knows she messed up, because she thinks you’ll use it against her.”

And he’s not wrong. Apologising in some environments is seen as losing the battle. Being soft. Being dom. So rather than risk that, many just let the relationship crash quietly. No ownership. No healing. Just silence… and hurt.

The Ego Barrier: “Are You Smarter Than Me?”
Another layer that’s rarely spoken about is the emotional reaction some people have when their mistakes are pointed out. There’s this internal defensiveness that kicks in, like the person correcting you is trying to act like they’re better, smarter, more emotionally aware.

For some, that can feel like an attack.

“It’s like you think you’re above me,” a 26-year-old woman told FOMO. “Even if you’re right, I don’t want to feel like you’re schooling me.”

This ego clash isn’t always intentional, but it creates walls. It becomes less about the mistake and more about saving face.
And some take it further: if they’re educated, or beautiful, or financially independent, they feel they don’t owe anyone an apology.
As if success or attractiveness cancels out emotional responsibility.

But relationships don’t care about degrees or looks, respect, humility and honesty still matter.

Double Standards & “Soft Excuses”
We’re not saying men are saints. Of course not. There are many men who ghost, cheat, gaslight and never look back. But in this conversation, it’s the subtle things that are causing long-term cracks.

Like when she lashes out in anger, then laughs it off with, “You know I was just in my feels.” Or when she says something hurtful, but never circles back to own it.

We asked Nkululeko, a 28-year-old primary school teacher in Parys, what accountability looks like to him:

“It’s not even about a big apology. It’s about acknowledging what you did. If I tell you something hurt me, don’t argue or deflect. Just say, ‘You’re right, I was wrong for that.’ That’s all we want sometimes.”

Simple. But not always easy.

Where Does This Come From?
Let’s keep it real, this isn’t about genetics. Women aren’t born less accountable. But society has, in some ways, created uneven emotional expectations.

Boys grow up being told to toughen up, and when they finally learn emotional vocabulary, they often use it to explain themselves.
Girls, on the other hand, grow up being told they’re always right, too pretty to be wrong, or that a man should “just understand you.”

It might sound small, but over time it creates a gap. One person is learning emotional awareness. The other is learning emotional exemption.

Relationship coach and author Thato M. Sibiya shared this with FOMO:

“What we’re seeing now is the result of years of emotional imbalance. Many women haven’t been held accountable for how they treat others—not because they’re bad people, but because nobody ever taught them it matters. And in relationships, it absolutely does.”

When Love Is Lost Over a Missed Apology
FOMO contributor Hloni Kobong, who’s also a community youth mentor, reflects on how often small moments become deal-breakers:

“I’ve seen good relationships die over one person refusing to apologise. Especially young women, she’ll choose her pride over peace. It’s painful to watch. We need to talk about it more.”

Because being accountable isn’t admitting you’re terrible. It’s saying, “I see what I did. I’m willing to grow from it.”

Is It Time to Change the Narrative?
There’s something powerful about owning your mistakes. It doesn’t make you less desirable. It doesn’t mean you’re submissive. It means you’re mature.

Let’s be honest: many of us were never taught how to apologise properly. “Sorry if you felt that way” isn’t it. Neither is going quiet and hoping the problem disappears.

Real accountability is:

Saying “I was wrong.”

Asking “How can I fix this?”

Changing the behaviour that caused the hurt.

And yes, this goes for men too.

The FOMO Take
We’re not here to bash anyone. But we are here to spark reflection.

If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself:
Do I take accountability when I’ve hurt someone?
Do I apologise, or do I avoid it?
Do I take correction personally, like it’s a challenge to my intelligence or status?
Have I let my pride or my looks or my education cost me something beautiful?

Let’s grow. Let’s heal. Let’s unlearn the nonsense that says accountability is weakness. The strongest thing you can do is admit when you’ve messed up, and do better.

Your relationship might just thank you for it.

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