Let us talk about something no one wants to say out loud but everyone seems to be muffled muttering in group chats and braai corners: South African women and their growing romance with dating other African men, Nigerians, Congolese, Ghanaians, and Zimbabweans, among others.
Now don’t get me twisted, love is love, and nobody’s passport should come into play regarding who you fall in love with. But lately, it feels like more and more of… a fashion statement.
Yes, it’s fashionable nowadays to date abroad, especially if the guy is West African. You find women saying all the time, “Nigerian men know how to spoil a woman,” or “Congolese men are romantic and treat you like a queen.” It is said with wonder, as if by magic, and regurgitated as a mantra. Local South African men, on the other hand, are stereotyped as lazy: emotionally unavailable, stingy, entitled.
But let’s go deeper. Is the attraction completely about being “cared for”? Or is it validation?
Let me elucidate.
There’s the psychological thrill of having been selected by someone “outside.” It tells you, at least, to some, that you are special, sophisticated, and lifted above the run-of-the-mill township romance. The same buzz we get when a South African footballer gets signed by a club in Europe. When Black Coffee performs in Ibiza. When Thuso Mbedu gets a Hollywood gig. When Trevor Noah anchors The Daily Show.
We celebrate them not just because they’re talented, but because the world saw their worth. That global stamp of approval does something to the psyche. It screams, “I’ve made it.”
So is it possible, just possible, that some South African women date foreign men not just for love or better treatment, but to feel that same glow of recognition?
Because overnight, you’re not only Lerato with a man. You’re Lerato with a Nigerian man. Mbali with a Congolese husband. It’s a headline. A flex. A whispered status symbol that declares, “I am visible. I am other. I am global.” And at family dinners when the aunties gossip, it is said differently: “Yoh, Yvonne’s husband is Ghanaian”, like he’s not just a man, but a foreign asset.
Let’s just call it what it is, mjolo (new dating) will humble you whether your guy is from Joburg or Lagos. Men, wherever they are from, bring their own issues. So this notion of happiness is going to be reached when dating outside South Africa – no. It’s not a fairy tale and roses every time. Sometimes, it’s just the pretense of an Instagram-potential romance.
None of this is intended to embarrass women for what they do. Individuals must love whom they love. But let’s be real about the why. Part of it is validation. To feel elite. To appear lofty in the eyes of peers.
It’s the same psychology that makes someone brag, “I can’t stay long, I’ve got to catch a flight to Barcelona”, even if they were just in Spain for one trial. That global shine has become the new dream.
But let’s think about this: if your self-esteem hangs on how “exotic” or “different” the individual you’re with is, are you really in a healthy relationship? Or are you looking for the spotlight via another?
Love is not a bad thing across boundaries, but we have to make sure that it’s real, and not merely part of the new-age aesthetic.
Because when the applause fades, and the snazziness disappears, it’s not the accent or passport that will keep you together. It’s respect for each other, commitment, and yes, the skill to dribble mjolo like a pro, regardless of where you’re from.
FOMO: For the Culture. For the Conversation.
